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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/13/2007 : 1:41:29 PM
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THE BIRDS & BEES...A NEW VERSION...
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You Got Male !!!!!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/13/2007 : 1:53:12 PM
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THE UGLY FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, " I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her " KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY ."
So! the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!
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SHE TURNED INTO THE
FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old........ NOT DEAD !!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 09:53:33 AM
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 09:57:30 AM
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I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 09:59:57 AM
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Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 11:17:19 AM
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| Those are great. Thank you and Happy Valentines Day. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 11:31:35 AM
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| Thanks, Lynda. I am never quite sure if anyone will have the same sense of humor as I do. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 12:58:59 PM
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Laden's Valentine
A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him." |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 12:59:15 PM
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| I have not heard any complaints. Keep it up I enjoy the reading and smiles. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 1:05:46 PM
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 2:32:25 PM
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Adult, a little racey.
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of though t he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her c heek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
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Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 3:38:26 PM
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I received this email today. I had to share.
ALERT!!!
WARNING / ATTENTION:
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE,
I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 3:40:25 PM
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The teacher asked her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many are left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony says "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied "T he correct answer is ' the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
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Smile
