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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 11:03:49 PM
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| Massdee, these are truly an enjoyable part of my day!! Happy Valentines day!! Keep them coming and I like YOUR THINKING...Hee Hee |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2007 : 11:09:55 PM
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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know wh en the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white,and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:29:51 AM
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>>Last Request
>>
>>A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want
>>you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
>>
>>"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
>>
>>The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
>>Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have
>>everything.'" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:52:20 AM
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 10:57:20 AM
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SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 11:00:11 AM
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Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ' Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find,
Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart
I wrote your name on a piece of paper, but by accident I threw it
it away I wrote your name on my hand, but it washed away. I wrote your
name in the sand, but the waves whispered it away. I wrote your name in
my heart, and forever it will stay.
Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 12:02:29 PM
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blond) asked me
what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few
minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped
down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And
where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
Scroll.............
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 12:05:12 PM
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Baby Boomer Blues
>
>It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the
>60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby
>boomers. They include:
>
>Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
>
>Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
>
>The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
>
>Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
>
>Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
>
>Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
>
>Paul Simo n--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
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>The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
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>Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
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>Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
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>Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
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>The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
>
>Abba--- Denture Queen.
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>Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
>
>Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
>
>Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
>
>Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 7:44:28 PM
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How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What country makes you shiver?
Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 7:46:15 PM
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business! |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2007 : 8:33:51 PM
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 09:43:24 AM
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Adult, very racey
THE MISSING ROOSTER
> The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens
>
> he kept in the hen house behind the church.
> But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
> The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started
> to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
> During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
> All the men stood up.
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
> cock?"
> All the women stood up.
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
> that doesn't belong to them?"
> Half the women stood up.
> "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
> cock?
> All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
 Posted - 02/16/2007 : 09:47:31 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Masterful1
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
Masterful1.
Uh hello... Think you been in the house too long... LOL |
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Bobby
Senior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 11:21:42 AM
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| My list of accomplishments for my first
| year as the Mayor of Everett. I will only be
| recording those good things that I have done.
| After all, the investigation team
| already has a nice file on me down at their
| office for the "other" things I have done.
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| My list of accomplishments for my first
| year as the Mayor of Everett:
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| 1.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 1:19:54 PM
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
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