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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 8:02:13 PM
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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 8:15:45 PM
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A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 8:20:48 PM
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A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 7:17:03 PM
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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 7:18:33 PM
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Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so upset that I've lost twenty pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend.
"Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 7:21:06 PM
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Rules of Life
1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship : "I apologize" and "You are right."
3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her. . . believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
12. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 7:23:03 PM
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Brand New Kittens
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now." |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 11:00:34 PM
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| Massdee, I cannot fathom where you get all of these daily. You have a wonderful sense of humor and I really appreciate how you make my day brighter..:>) |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2007 : 11:25:49 PM
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"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'hoo.ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 09:30:26 AM
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Retirement Planning:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With World Com, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
With Lucent, you would have $3.50 left of the original $1000.00
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND you
would have $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 09:37:18 AM
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This one is not a joke.
Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.
I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.*
I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden.*
I asked God for a friend, He gave me all of YOU...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 09:59:29 AM
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
>
>"You Can Be The MAN Of Your House."
>
>He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
>need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
>will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
>meal,
>
>you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
>
>After dinner, you are going t o go upstairs with me
>
>and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
>
>Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
>You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
>Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
>
>Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
>
>The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first
>guess. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 7:52:10 PM
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NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71 can not
get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.
The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You
gotta pass this one on!
AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 11:17:12 PM
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TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2006
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
And the number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With
a Few |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 11:22:31 PM
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I've might of posted this one before, can't remember.
The Bug Story
>>
>> A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
> deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's
> penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
>>
>> Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.
>>
>> The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew
off.
>>
>> Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was
> that?"
>>
>> Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
>> such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, Honey."
>>
>> The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
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Smile
