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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 11:25:43 PM
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>>
>>> > Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of
>>> Silence.
>>> >
>>> > The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent
>>> Monastery. You are welcome here
>>> > as long as you like, but you may not speak until I
>>> direct you to do so."
>>> >
>>> > Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5
>>> years before the Priest
>>> > said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been
>>> here for 5 years. You
>>> > may speak two words."
>>> >
>>> > Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
>>> >
>>> > "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we
>>> will get you a better bed."
>>> >
>>> > After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister
>>> Mary Katherine. "You may
>>> > say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
>>> >
>>> > "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the
>>> Priest assured her that the
>>> > food would be better in the future.
>>> >
>>> > On her fifteenth anniversary at the monastery, the
>>> Priest again called
>>> > Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may
>>> say two words today."
>>> >
>>> > "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
>>> >
>>> > "It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've
>>> done nothing but bitch since
>>> > you got here." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2007 : 11:28:03 PM
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Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames
the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree
while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren
are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot
by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into
the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline.
I must have lived too long
to understand the world anymore.
< B>
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt
is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you
to blame Bill Gates...okay? |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2007 : 2:11:39 PM
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> GOOD QUIZ FOR THE MIND
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >This is a quiz for people who know everything! I
> found out in a hurry that
> >I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are
> straight questions with
> >straight answers.
> >
> >1. Name the one sport in which neither the
> spectators nor the participants
> >know the score or the leader until the contest
> ends.
> >
> >2. What famous North American landmark is
> constantly moving backward?
> >
> >3. Of all vegetables, only tw o can live to
> produce on their own for several
> >growing seasons. All other vegetables must be
> replanted every year. What
> >are the only two perennial vegetables?
> >
> >4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
> >
> >5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear
> brandy, with a real pear inside
> >the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the
> bottle is genuine; it
> >hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get
> inside the bottle?
> >
> >6. Only three words in standard English begin
> with the letters " dw" and
> >they are all common words. Name two of them.
> >
> >7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English
> grammar. Can you name at least
> >half of them?
> >
> >8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never
> sold frozen, canned,
> >processed, cooked, or in any other form except
> fresh.
> >
> >9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on
> your feet beginning with the
> >letter "S."
> >
> >
> >
Answers To Quiz:
> >
> >1. The one sport in which neither the spectators
> nor the participants know
> >the score or the leader until the contest ends .
> . Boxing
> >
> >2. North American landmark constantly moving
> backward . Niagara Falls (The
> >rim is worn down about two and a half feet each
> year because of the
> >millions of gallons of water that rush over it
> every minute.)
> >
> >3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce
> on their own for several
> >growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.
> >
> >4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .
> Strawberry.
> >
> >5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
> It grew inside the
> >bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds
> when they are small, and are
> >wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in
> place for the entire
> >growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
> snipped o ff at the
> >stems.)
> >
> >6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf,
> dwell and dwindle.
> >
> >7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar
> . . Period, comma, colon,
> >semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question
> mark, exclamation point,
> >quotation marks, bracket s, parenthesis, braces,
> and ellipses.
> >
> >8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold !
> frozen, canned, processed,
> >cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
> >
> >9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet
> beginning with "s" . Shoes,
> >socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates,
> snowshoes, stockings,
> >stilts.
> >
> >
> >LIFE IS A JOURNEY. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY
> THE BREEZE |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 10:12:30 AM
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Answering machine message 143
Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 10:23:22 AM
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Bumper stickers 07
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 11:01:12 AM
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Bumper stickers 05
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 3:19:54 PM
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Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 3:22:40 PM
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A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 3:23:40 PM
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2007 : 3:24:47 PM
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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2007 : 2:37:53 PM
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Grandma in the Courtroom
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma
a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?"
She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and
his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them
was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge
asked both
counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice,
said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2007 : 6:35:03 PM
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Very Adult
Up or Down Sex
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/25/2007 : 6:39:37 PM
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DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. don't know her name-they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He
claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him
the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?) |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2007 : 7:57:19 PM
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Words that Really Should Exist from A to Z
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2007 : 8:04:25 PM
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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
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Smile
