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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2007 : 1:34:21 PM
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE
PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
She said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2007 : 09:29:05 AM
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The Diary of a Dog
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Diary of a Cat
It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released –and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brain dead.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he report my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe……. For now. |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2007 : 12:31:54 PM
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CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats. |
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Bobby
Senior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2007 : 12:46:33 PM
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The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2007 : 3:26:32 PM
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Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/28/2007 : 3:29:59 PM
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Pirate at a Bar
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
 Posted - 03/01/2007 : 09:28:00 AM
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I got it right Massdee!
It did take me a little while though LOL
That was fun. Thanks. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/01/2007 : 12:28:26 PM
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's
today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy
you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with
two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would
like to buy you one, too"
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another
Scotch with twodrops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of
curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/01/2007 : 12:36:43 PM
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Senior Driver
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
! ;
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about a
sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/01/2007 : 7:14:59 PM
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Subject: widow
>
>
> A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
> determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
> placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
the
> job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
>
> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided
> to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house
> than the drunk.
>
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot
> about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was
> doing very well.
>
> Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and
> the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
>
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
>
> He returned around 2:30 AM, and upon entering the room, he found the
> rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
> him.
>
> She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
> she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
>
> "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take
> off my socks."
>
> He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
>
> "Now take off my skirt."
>
> He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
> "Now take off my bra."
>
> Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
> floor.
>
> Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
> again, you're fired. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/01/2007 : 7:20:26 PM
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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I
noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look up and find
the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/02/2007 : 10:02:32 AM
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Grown Up Talk
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Sh*t!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/02/2007 : 10:04:11 AM
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A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!" |
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Smile
