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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2007 : 4:50:24 PM
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Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," say s the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff....... grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?" |
Edited by - massdee on 03/03/2007 4:51:32 PM |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 10:02:12 AM
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This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautiful!!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 10:29:40 AM
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Floating In Air At The Bar
Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.
"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.
"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.
"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 10:42:45 AM
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Bill Gates in Hell
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 10:45:28 AM
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Redneck buys a chainsaw
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 10:47:29 AM
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The Widow at a Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2007 : 11:46:22 AM
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I received this in an email this morning. I haven't tried it out but thought I would share.
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO.
>>>There are a few things that can be done in times of
>>grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be
>>a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check
out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST
Subject: Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your
mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112
and the mobile will search any existing network to
establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly
this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
Try it out.
SECOND
Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come
in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If
you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at
home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your
cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your
car door and have the person at your home press the unlock
button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.
Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive
your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away,
and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote"
for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it
unlocked our car over a cell phone!"
THIRD
Subject: Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press
the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve
and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.
This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell
next time.
FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the
following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number
is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it
somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can
phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even
if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least
you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people
stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
FIFTH
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or
more for 411 information calls when they don't have to.
Most of us do not carry a tel ephone directory in our
vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a
problem. When you need to use
the 411 information option,
simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without
incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell
phone now.
This is the kind of information people don't
mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2007 : 09:15:24 AM
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25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ****."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead
of asking "Oh **** what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward
it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2007 : 10:02:10 AM
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The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2007 : 10:03:12 AM
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The Gate Is Broken
St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/05/2007 : 10:05:15 AM
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Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 6:50:41 PM
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Jury Duty
In the criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!!
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement
the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to
a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer
said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on
with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable
doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 6:55:50 PM
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| If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet... what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 7:14:56 PM
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Learning the ABCs
There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principals office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principals office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 7:37:51 PM
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| It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" |
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