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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 7:44:45 PM
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| Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 12:54:33 PM
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Bobby
Senior Member
173 Posts |
 Posted - 03/16/2007 : 1:12:51 PM
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Bravo massdee I love it  |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 4:51:21 PM
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At first, I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most
prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest
middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened???
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 7:02:04 PM
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Dear Wife:
>>> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
>>> good.
>>> I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to
>>> show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
>>> Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and
>>> that was the last straw.
>>> Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten
>>> a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
>>> pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went
>>> straight
>>> to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
>>> me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
>>> cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is,
>>> I'm gone.
>>>
>>> Your EX-Husband
>>> P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to
>>> West Virginia together! Have a great life!
>>>
>>> Dear Ex-Husband -
>>>
>>> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
>>> that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
>>> is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because
>>> they
>>> drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't
>>> work.
>>> I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that
>>> came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me
>>> not to
>>> say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my
>>> favorite
>>> meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
>>> stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you
>>> had
>>> those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I
>>> prayed
>>> that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
>>> dollars
>>> from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all
>>> of
>>> this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
>>> So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
>>> dollars,
>>> I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got
>>> home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
>>> I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
>>> that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
>>> So take care.
>>>
>>> Signed
>>> Rich As Hell and Free!
>>>
>>> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister,
>>> was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 8:17:09 PM
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn wake up with a searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 5:43:30 PM
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HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down , and I
betcha you can't resist passing this on. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 8:27:00 PM
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A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, " A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the sh*t out of him. |
Edited by - massdee on 03/17/2007 8:27:38 PM |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 8:32:03 PM
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Memories from preschool days.............
A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of blindfolded first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.............Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
"Oh, my God!! They're ass-*oles! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2007 : 1:22:16 PM
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:38:54 AM
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Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
Hold on......
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:40:50 AM
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> Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a
> boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I
> think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2
> months."
>
> Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women
> like that are hard to find. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:45:07 AM
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Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: ! ! $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. ! ! Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain! ! plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: ! ! ; $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:50:46 AM
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid. |
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Smile
