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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:52:07 AM
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:56:12 AM
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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 08:59:33 AM
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What gets longer when pulled:
Fits between the boobs:
Inserts neatly in a hole:
and works best when jerked:
Scroll down to find the answer......
A SEAT BELT
You pervert!!!
BUCKLE UP and pass it on!,
GOTCHA!!!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 09:03:24 AM
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There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2007 : 3:16:08 PM
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
The other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2007 : 7:55:43 PM
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Subject: Little Johnny Strikes Again
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are
so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2007 : 7:58:13 PM
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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2007 : 9:52:32 PM
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LITTLE DRIP
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2007 : 9:53:46 PM
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LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2007 : 9:55:22 PM
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LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2007 : 4:45:34 PM
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More Little Johnny
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2007 : 10:17:29 PM
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A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2007 : 10:20:43 PM
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Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2007 : 10:25:36 PM
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DUMB QUOTES
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 DemocraticParty convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi
purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Former U.S. Vice
President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex
police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti
smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
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