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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2007 : 9:20:17 PM
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Weight loss program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike
running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his
way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs.,
as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck
that reads: "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;
but when
he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the
next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound
program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone,
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
this
huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink
running shoes
and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you,
you're mine..." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2007 : 9:34:56 PM
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Subject: Bedtime story
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2007 : 9:41:34 PM
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A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said ! and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2007 : 9:54:26 PM
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WATER VS WINE
It has been scientifically proved that if we drink
1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed
more than one kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other
words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking
WINE (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol
has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and
fermenting and also alcohol kills the Escherichia coli bacteria.
Thus:
WATER = Poop
WINE = Health
It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to
drink water and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information; I am doing it as a public service. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2007 : 1:31:42 PM
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it,
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 06:41:27 AM
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Only in America ..
do drugstores make
the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions
while healthy people
can buy cigarettes
at the front.
Only in America .....
do people order
double cheeseburgers,
large fries,
and a diet coke.
Only in America .......
do banks leave
both doors open
and then chain
the pens to the counters.
Only in America .......
do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars
in the driveway and
put our useless junk
in the garage.
Only in America ......
do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......
do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ......
do they have drive-up
ATM machines with
Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on
mascara
with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see
the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated"
such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call
what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made
with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests
all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day
with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible
black box that is used
on airplanes?
Why don't they make
the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink
when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport
the terminal?
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 4:01:25 PM
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WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(PASSING REQUIRES 4 *CORRECT* ANSWERS)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below .
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific a re named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 10:22:15 PM
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Subject: they walk among us
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free".
They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess
they're both
free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us, and many work retail.
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise
in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and
has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff."
They walk among us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the
call
center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They walk among us!
====================
My sister has a life-saving tool in her car designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the
trunk.
They walk among us!
=============! =======
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I
went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my
bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry
because she
was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They walk
among us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a
small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked
him
if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it
for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6 pieces."
Yep, they walk among us!
====================
They walk among us, AND they reproduce! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2007 : 3:13:22 PM
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Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2007 : 3:14:42 PM
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Drunk Man at Confessional
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2007 : 10:51:39 AM
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DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . ...and they did?
When a 55 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..."
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . I double-dog-dare-ya!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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Smile
