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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 6:58:39 PM
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uestions and Answers
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 7:00:25 PM
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Serving Your Country
Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water.
With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim.
When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.
The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country." The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third boy chose the Naval Academy.
The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery"
The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age.
The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 7:01:47 PM
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| I figured since I posted a Clinton one, I'd better post a Bush one. I don't want to offend anyone. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 7:03:34 PM
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The Baseball Game
The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.
The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents, one of whom leans over and whispers something into the President's ear. As soon as he finishes, Mr. Clinton grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.
Hillary falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 7:11:35 PM
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Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
* 3 have been arrested for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
* In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Yes, these employees are the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 12:37:19 PM
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Political Candidates (Not A Joke)
Candidate A:
Associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two
mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B:
Was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college,
and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C:
Is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
Kind of scary...
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 12:48:01 PM
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Shark Fishing
One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.
When he arrives in his pope mobile he sees a man strugleing
for his life against a shark.
Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry.
Horrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats.
The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.
The pope said to the men,
"I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their hour of need. You have my blessings"
Then the pope packs off and drives out of site.
Bush asks, "Who was that?"
"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the Catholic Church" Said Dick.
Bush says, "Well thats all neat and fine, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?" |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 4:59:31 PM
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and
most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled,
"Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
" A couple of minutes ago."
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 5:12:54 PM
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This DOES NOT apply to Eagle with walker.
A Senior Moment
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding...
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 6:11:48 PM
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RULES FOR DRIVING IN Everett
* When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
* Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
* The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
* Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
* Always look both ways when running a red light.
* Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
* Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the street, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 6:21:58 PM
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| Masterful, really enjoyed that last one. |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 7:36:21 PM
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Dieting Under Stress
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST: 1 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8 oz. skim milk.
LUNCH: 4 oz. chicken breast, 1 cup streamed spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Oreo cookie.
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: Rest of the Oreos in pkg., 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, 1 Jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whip cream.
DINNER: 2 loaves of garlic bread w/cheese, Large Sausage & cheese pizza, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Beer, 3 milky way or snicker candy bars.
LATE EVENING SNACK: Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.
RULES FOR DIET
1. If you eat something and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medical purposes NEVER count. Such as Hot Chocolate, Brandy, toast and Sara lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone around you you look thinner.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 9:47:11 PM
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True story,
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 9:52:27 PM
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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3'in housewares,....and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department,ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then
yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 9:59:59 PM
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Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I want to go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I want to go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white! |
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Smile
