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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 7:23:43 PM
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THE GOOD HUSBAND~~
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a
drinker, but the
drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got
home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he
wondered if he did
something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and
a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I
love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His son is
also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what
happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke
it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he
asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $339.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . .
PRICELESS!!!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 7:26:30 PM
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A little racey.
A Tinkle......
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the
babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two
healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained
what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
I KNOW YOU SMILED! |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 3:49:31 PM
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| Thanks for the laughs. I am really enjoying this Topic. |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 7:01:59 PM
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| I too am enjoying all the chuckles.. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 7:29:01 PM
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 7:55:18 PM
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Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 8:54:27 PM
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THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
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Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
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What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 10:14:25 PM
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| Massdee, you are the masterful one!! You made my night,week,month and year with these quips.LOL |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 08:56:09 AM
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A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 09:01:12 AM
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| A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 09:22:28 AM
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Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 1:33:55 PM
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I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is
a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on
how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few
thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether
you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck),
you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels
in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and
you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize
that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a
tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire
fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves
and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing
teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we
can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By
Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . You start
pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is
important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins
double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for
the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply
have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 4:27:05 PM
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| And I like that philosphy!!!!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 6:50:57 PM
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Man Heckling Mayor Hanlon
A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a city meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.
Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 6:54:21 PM
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The Transition
A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see President Clinton.
The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."
The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.
The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton.
The Marine again answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president."
Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K." and walked away.
The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton.
The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"
"Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy hearing it."
The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow." |
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Smile
