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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 07:28:43 AM
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IRISH COFFEE
>
> An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
> seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
>
> "What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
>
> "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
>
> "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop
> it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
> week to let me know how things went."
>
> It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
> to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
> 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
>
> "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
>
> "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
> almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
> and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!
>
> With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped me
> clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate
> love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> feckin' nightmare!"
>
> "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
> provided wasn't good"?
>
> "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've
> had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be
able
> to show me face in Starbucks again." |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 1:21:39 PM
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore .
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 2:32:29 PM
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Florida Drinking Rules!
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
God Bless America ! |
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H1ghCh4r1ty
Advanced Member
967 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 8:23:46 PM
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Every time I see this joke, it makes me proud to be an American.
Emile Schoeffhausen |
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bbpolitical
Forum Admin
265 Posts |
 Posted - 02/05/2007 : 8:36:30 PM
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Anytime someone makes a joke out of killing people because of their ethnicity and lack of worth as a human being, I get sick to my stomach. So I, for one, am not laughing.
Michael
I am an average resident of Everett who would like to see more communication about anything and everything to do with Everett |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 10:26:19 PM
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
spacer
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 08:48:39 AM
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How about this accounting?
Joe died and his will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the
church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for
the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?
"Two and a half carats."
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 09:00:50 AM
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 09:21:53 AM
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| If I offended anyone with one of my earlier postings, I am sorry. I will be more selective in what I post. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 10:03:48 AM
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e girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 12:30:11 PM
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NEW DRUGS ...FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women . Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or
husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 5:08:21 PM
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There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to attack us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
ec96fed.gif
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
ec96ff7.gif
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
.
.
I'll pray for you! |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 11:17:46 AM
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NEW WORDS FOR THE 2007 WORKPLACE:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace !!
1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps
on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home
with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another, and American
Idol
for those with a low IQ.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed
to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that
you've just made a BIG mistake.! (Like after hitting send on an e-mail
by
mistake)
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube
Farm.
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 11:21:43 AM
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| Sorry Masterful1 but MOST of the New Words for the Work Place sounds more like Pity Hall! |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 11:38:27 AM
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| Good one Lynda. I never thought it would be most applicable to pitiful hall. With all the senior workers up there, I would think that crop dusting is commonplace..LOL |
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Smile
