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H1ghCh4r1ty
Advanced Member
967 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 6:49:37 PM
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I thought I had already posted this one, but it seems not to be there.
The Pup and I know the Pontiff quite well as some of you may remember. This joke reminds us of him.
Meeting the Pope
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American, dressed as the drnkard, stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
Emile Schoeffhausen |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 7:39:57 PM
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Subject: Little Billy
Little Billy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Billy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Billy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Billy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Billy brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Billy got an "A" in math. She could no
longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Billy looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Billy looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 7:44:17 PM
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The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET--IT REALLY WORKS!!
1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da ice cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 8:26:20 PM
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Subject: I owe my Mother
This is priceless and ain't it the truth!!!!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2007 : 11:18:05 AM
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The family of potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Bill O'Rielly!"
"Bill O'Rielly?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2007 : 11:22:26 AM
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This one is a little lame,
Stealing the paintings
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2007 : 11:27:30 AM
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A Sesame Street bus
Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extraordinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesame Street bus!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 10:38:15 AM
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Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 10:44:50 AM
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Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 2:25:53 PM
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>For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
>Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,
>WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
>a little sausage. |
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EverettsPride
Advanced Member
1140 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 6:55:54 PM
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To all my wine drinking friends!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for
dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I
had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste
time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you
NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to
take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I
said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Sally |
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Masterful1
Senior Member
421 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 7:01:29 PM
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We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
"It is what it is".
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2007 : 9:43:42 PM
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string. |
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Smile
