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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2007 : 8:45:11 PM
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Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2007 : 8:50:03 PM
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI: (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2007 : 8:53:59 PM
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Heavenly Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 09:11:36 AM
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| A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got the ticket, it said nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me." "How does it go, mijo?" "It goes Jose can you see! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 09:48:26 AM
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> A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
> cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
>
> "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
> "Twelve thirty."
>
>
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
> gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
> really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you
> said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
> The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
> murmur; be careful."
>
> One more . . .!
>
>
>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
> he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
> "No," he replied, "Arthritis." |
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H1ghCh4r1ty
Advanced Member
967 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 09:52:55 AM
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Those were great!!
I'm glad we have this topic here.
It's very refreshing.
Emile Schoeffhausen |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 12:23:29 PM
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An elderly gentleman...
> had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
> doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
> aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
> said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
> you can hear again."
> The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
> three times!"
>
>
>
> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
> under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
> old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
> age. How do you feel?"
> Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
> "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
> "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
>
>
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
> eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two! gentleman en were talking, and one said, "Last night we went
> out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
> very highly."
> The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
> that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
> "Do you mean a rose?"
> "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
> kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
> last night?"
>
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
> elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
> at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
> the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
> out of her hospital gown."
>
>
>
> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
> but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
> L later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
> chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
> "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
> "Sure."
> "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
> asks.
> "No, I can remember it."
> "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
> down, so's not to forget it?"
> He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
> strawberries."
> "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
> down?" she asks.
> Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
> Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
> sake!"
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
> the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
> and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
> "Where's my toast ?"
>
>
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> "So I hear you're getting married?"
> "Yep!"
> "Do I know her?"
> "Nope!"
> "This woman, is she good looking?"
> "Not really."
> "Is she a good cook?"
> "Naw, she can't cook too well."
> "Does she have lots of money?"
> "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
> "Well, then, is she good in bed?"
> "I don' t know."
> "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
> "Because she can still drive!"
>
>
>
>
> Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
> Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
> Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
>
> |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 2:06:19 PM
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| That is all great. Keep it up it Brightens my day :) |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 09:02:42 AM
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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 09:07:03 AM
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Advice in Abundance
Unsolicited advice free and abundant:
So much of it there its often redundant.
When I was a lad and easily impressed:
I listened and nodded at the experts' behest.
Opinions they flaunted on a scale universal:
Expounding at length without forethought or rehearsal.
With style and emotion, each made a case:
Of factual content there was rarely a trace.
Middle age found me as the consummate cynic:
Quick to retort and given to mimic.
With the passage of time I relaxed my position:
Improvised wisdom doesn't require a logician.
In the twilight of life there is time for a chat:
I now render advice at the drop of a hat. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 09:11:04 AM
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| There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 11:10:36 AM
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2 hours ago
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - A new pair of hands pulled Punxsutawney Phil from his stump this year, so it was only fitting that the groundhog offered a new prediction.
Phil did not see his shadow on Friday, which, according to German folklore, means folks can expect an early spring instead of six more weeks of winter. |
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Ellen
Senior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 12:14:46 PM
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| Phil..................be right...............please........... |
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H1ghCh4r1ty
Advanced Member
967 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 4:35:56 PM
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The Old Monk
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
Emile Schoeffhausen |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 02/02/2007 : 6:12:59 PM
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| Emile, good one. |
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Smile
