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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2007 : 3:30:03 PM
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The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2007 : 2:20:44 PM
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars IS 50 dollars."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/04/2007 : 2:40:25 PM
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I love this DOCTOR!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: < /B>How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger!!!!!!. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? < /B>
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2007 : 4:12:02 PM
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~?~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions ??? |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2007 : 1:38:06 PM
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A little adult humor, maybe.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone !
(and God love that pig)
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2007 : 07:02:18 AM
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THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for
me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2007 : 1:27:39 PM
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I came across this phrase yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers"
And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?"
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?"
At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.
Just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age"!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2007 : 8:22:32 PM
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Subject: Never Choke In A Southern Restaurant]
Two hillbillies walk into a bar.?
> While having a shot of whiskey
> >they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly
> a woman at a nearby
> >table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough,
> after a moment or two, it
> >becomes apparent, that she is in real distress.
>
>
> > One of the hillbillies looks at
> her and says? " kin ya
> >swallar?" the woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
> breathe?" The woman begins
> >to turn blue and shakes her head, no. The
> hillbilly walks over to the woman
> >lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
> drawers and quickly gives
> >her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
>
>
> > The woman was so shocked that she
> had a violent spasm and the
> >obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she begins
to breath again, the
hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner
says " ya know, i'd
heard of that hind lick maneuver, but i ain't never
seen nobody do
it before."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2007 : 10:12:32 AM
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Subject: You are a Keeper
>
>
> I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her,
> who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was
> the original recycle queen, before they had a Name for it... A father who
> was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
>
> Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived
> barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a
> hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in
> the
> other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen
> radio,
> screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress Things we keep.
>
> It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that
> re-fixing,
> eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant
> affluence.
> Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
>
> But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth
> of
> the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes
> there isn't any more.
>
> Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never
> to return. So... while we have it... it's best we love it.... and care for
> it... and fix it when it's broken...... and heal it when it's sick.
>
> This is true. for marriage..... and old cars.... and children with bad
> report cards..... and dogs with bad hips.... and aging parents..... and
> grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth
> it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate
> we grew up with.
>
> There are just some things that make life important, like people we know
> who are special..... and so, we keep them close!
>
> I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it
> to
> the people I think of in the same way.. Now it's your turn to send this to
> those people that are "keepers" in your life.
>
> Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know
> they
> are always there.
>
> Keep them close! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2007 : 10:22:47 AM
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Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
Answers are below.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19 John Travolta turn ed down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2007 : 10:24:44 AM
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A Senior Moment
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >>A very self-important college freshman
attending a recent football game took it upon himself
to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his generation.
>
> "You grew up in a different world, actually an
almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough
for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of
today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars.
>
>
> We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,
computers with dsl, bsp; light speed processing
.....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
>
The Senior took advantage of the break in the
student's litany and said, You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were
young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant
little sh*t, what are you doing for the next
generation?"
>
> The applause was resounding...I love senior citizens
>
> > > >>Have a great day!
> > > >>
> > LETS HEAR IT FOR THE SENIORS!!!!!!!!!
> > > >> |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:23:25 PM
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Subject: Highway Man
An arrogant Department of Highways agent told the farmer he needed to inspect his land for a possible new road. The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."
The Highway man said, "I'm with the State Department of Highways. See this card? That means I go wherever I want on your land."
The old farmer just rolled his eyes and went about his chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the man running for the fence with the farmer's prize bull charging close behind him. The bull was madder than a hornet and was gaining fast on the highway man.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!" |
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Smile
Posted - 05/25/2007 : 1:21:59 PM
