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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:32:23 PM
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
> without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
>
> He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
> breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the
> sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out
> of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
>
> He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
>
> She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
> badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
> She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
>
> "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have
> three wishes."
>
> "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to
> trust a FEMA genie."
>
> "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
> like you're a goner anyway!"
>
> The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
> genie is right. "OK! , I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
> food and drink."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
> seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
> delicacies.
>
> "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
>
> "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
> rare gold coins and precious gems.
>
> "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
> one!"
>
> After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
> matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> He turned into a tampon.
>
> The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
> there's going to be a string attached. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2007 : 12:53:09 PM
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Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
?
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
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"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
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"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
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Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
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Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
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He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."
?
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2007 : 1:09:23 PM
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If you can figure out what these words have in common, you are a lot smarter than most people:
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess
Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up? Give It Another Try....
You will kick yourself when you discover the answer.
Go back and look at them again; think hard.
OK... Here You Go.. Hope You Didn't Cheat.
This Is Cool.
Scroll down for the answer if you can't figure it out
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2007 : 3:38:03 PM
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DRIVING.................
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2007 : 2:42:22 PM
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Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says,
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2007 : 2:46:27 PM
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THE UGLY FROG:
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE
FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old....... NOT DEAD !!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2007 : 8:57:57 PM
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The living will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a bitch...... |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2007 : 3:32:36 PM
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I can't remember if I posted this one before.
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
Wombli Moni |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2007 : 09:51:22 AM
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The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being older. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it and let him know.
Growing older, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body .. the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And often I am taken aback by that older person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m and then sleep until -- ? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.
They, too, will get old. (if they're lucky)
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet dies ?But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no" and mean it. I can say "yes" and mean it.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles. Love simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN - LOVE MUCH.
May God Bless You! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2007 : 09:38:08 AM
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Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2007 : 11:55:41 AM
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Coloradoand
had told her that she was going to do dishes and
house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day
he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and
put away.
The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner on the table.
รย
The third man had married a girl from Massachusetts.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and
hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2007 : 8:18:05 PM
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WARNING:NEW TRICK USED BY CAR THIEVES, BEWARE OF PAPER
IN THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE, NEW WAY TO STEEL YOUR CAR (NOT A JOKE)
Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating...
You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into Reverse When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car jacker appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, & your keys. Your home & your
Whole identity are now compromised!
FYI
BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED....
If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away.Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents , and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2007 : 9:15:02 PM
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The couple were 85 years old,
>
> and had been married for sixty years.
> Though they were far from rich, they managed
> to get by because they watched their pennies.
>
> Though not young, they were both in very
> good health, largely due to the wife's insistence
> on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
>
> One day, their good health didn't help when
> they went on a rare vacation and their
> plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
>
>
> They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter
> escorted them inside.
> He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished
> in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked
> kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
> A maid could be seen hanging their favorite
> clothes in the closet.
>
> They gasped in astonishment when he said,
> "Welcome to Heaven.
> This will be your home now."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The old man asked Peter how much all this
> was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
>
> The old man looked out the window and right
> there he saw a championship golf course, finer
> and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
>
> "What are the greens fees?",
> grumbled the old man.
>
> "This is heaven," St. Peter replied.
> "You can play for free, every day."
>
>
>
> Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the
> lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable
> cuisine laid out before them, from seafood
> to steaks to exotic deserts,
> free flowing beverages.
>
> "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man.
> "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
>
> The old man looked around and glanced
> nervously at his wife.
>
> "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
> foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
>
> "That's the best part," St. Peter replied.
> "You can eat and drink as much as you like
> of whatever you like,
> and you will never get fat or sick.
>
> This is Heaven!"
>
>
> The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
>
> "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
>
> "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
>
> "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
>
>
>
> The old man glared at his wife and said,
> "You and your bran muffins.
> We could have been here ten years ago!
>
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2007 : 2:32:49 PM
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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*************! ******************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.!
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 08:19:36 AM
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| HAPPY 4th OF JULY, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Smile
