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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 07:38:18 AM
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Subject: They Walk Among Us!
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-
one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked
up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun
rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has
for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up
with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
===================
AND........ they reproduce!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 12:40:06 PM
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This is only meant in fun, please don't anyone get upset.
>THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
>My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
>seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
>us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
>big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put
>your trays up, that would be super."
>
>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
>rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
>you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
>ground."
>
>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
>Princess and I take orders from no one."
>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
>beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
>outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
> |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 12:42:31 PM
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Subject: Happy Drunk
>>
>>
>> A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
>> pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where drunken
>> stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>>
>> "Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He
>> slams the door and returns to bed.
>>
>> "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"
>>
>> "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the
>> morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
>>
>> His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
>> down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
>>
>> The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out
>> into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
>>
>> "Yes," comes back the answer.
>> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>> "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
>> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>> "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2007 : 07:53:24 AM
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:
This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus.
It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes:
* Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
* Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Warning: Severe cases can only be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects.
Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2007 : 09:39:54 AM
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2007 : 09:44:39 AM
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George Carlin
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!!
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you RE ACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2007 : 10:08:19 AM
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I had never heard of this Award, but ..... lawyers?? or the people or hire them??
Time once again to review the winners of the Annual 'Stella Lawsuit Awards.'
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old
Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonald's (in NM). That case Inspired the Stella Lawsuit Awards for the
most frivolous, ridiculous, stupid, but successful lawsuits in the United States
Here are this year's winners.......
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded
$80,000, by a jury of her peers, after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
was understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda
Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal the car's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was
leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was
not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion,
this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd place!
4th Place :
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bit on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams,
who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly
with a pellet gun.
3rd Place :
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft
drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument.
2nd Place :
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued
the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000
and dental expenses.
1st Place :
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski
of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, having driven onto the
freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's
seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the
RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do
this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company
actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there
were any other total morons around.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2007 : 3:24:55 PM
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| We are off early tomorrow morning to visit Mid-coast Maine for a couple of weeks. While on vacation we will be scoping out the area for a potential move. Talk to you all when we get back. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 10:34:27 PM
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> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
> little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
> you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child
> the gift of our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
> Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
>lot. The
> young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
>the
> activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
> workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
>more or
> less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
>let
> her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
> little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
>envelope
> containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
>who
> suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the
>bank the
> next day to start a savings account.
>
>
>
> When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
>impressed
> and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
>at such
> a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with
>a
> real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
>
> "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
>on the
> house again this week, too?"
>
>
>
> The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever
> deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock..."
>
>
>
> Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
>
>
>
>
> |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 10:50:48 PM
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If these don't make you laugh, nothing
will.
These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment
of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect
your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has
ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when
a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture
was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the
baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that
time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor,
I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
it?
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on Dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on
dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that
question?
_____________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on
my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have
still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2007 : 10:55:45 PM
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New Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
< BR>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double -shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel an d a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Smile
