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Tails
Administrator
2682 Posts |
 Posted - 08/01/2007 : 4:09:01 PM
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George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2007 : 9:47:33 PM
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Sign of the cross
Two nuns, Sister Dorothy and Sister Mary Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2007 : 9:56:20 PM
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Two moons on 27 August
*27th Aug the Whole World is waiting for.............*
Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August.
It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.
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Ellen
Senior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2007 : 10:56:43 PM
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YOUR WEDDING RING
Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?
There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese.....
The Thumb represents your Parents.
The Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings.
The Middle finger represents yourself.
The Fourth (Ring) finger represents your life partner.
The Last (Little) finger represents your children.
First, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together - back to back. Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip
Try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents). They will open because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong and have to leave you sooner or later.
Now join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings). They will also open because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.
Next, join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children). They will open, too, because your children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.
Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse).
You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT, because Husband and Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!
Please try this out. Isn't this a great theory?
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2007 : 09:43:59 AM
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Subject: Woman married three times
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
" Lord, they 're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
" Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "
The friend replied," I think he means her legs."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2007 : 09:47:19 AM
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Hope this touches you the way it touched me!
GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only! bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."
"Don't trust little Old Ladies"!!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2007 : 3:24:48 PM
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Nag Nag Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?"
"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2007 : 8:58:45 PM
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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2007 : 9:03:11 PM
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WIFE FROM Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at
80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you
know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when
you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to
his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to
you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.' |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2007 : 3:36:51 PM
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run
Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so- and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
You think?!
Cold Wave Linked to
Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half
Chain saw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity and send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh,
at least once a day.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2007 : 11:40:08 PM
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OLD people have problems that you haven't even
considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We
eve n called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the
jar open. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2007 : 9:13:16 PM
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If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one!).
Now don't cheat on this one, go with the first dessert you choose!!! Trust me....this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
ALSO , SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.
DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR DESSERT CHOICE IN THE SUBJECT BOX BEFORE YOU FORWARD IT.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No!!!!! you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be..............
OK - Now that you've made your choice this is what the research says about you...
SCROLL DOWN---
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.
6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to tak e chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
SEND TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS....INCLUDING ME!
DON'T FORGET - PUT YOUR CHOICE OF DESSERT IN THE 'SUBJECT BOX' ABOVE BEFORE YOU FORWARD.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2007 : 9:15:27 PM
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LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the tv and then threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch... |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2007 : 9:17:47 PM
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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their
Hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera
For two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't
Have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- But 13
canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and
says,"Girls, I've got a confession to make.
I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French
Riviera . We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary
number 13 has to stand on one leg." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2007 : 9:20:17 PM
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SHORT JOKE
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,
"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly, and out of shape - Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." |
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Smile
