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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2007 : 10:00:44 PM
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AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH >
> May
there always be work for your hands to do;
> May your purse always hold
a coin or two;
> May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
>
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
> May the hand of a friend
always be near you;
> May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2007 : 10:19:06 AM
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Fifty+-ers
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ folks use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ folks to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find good looking men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Where do 50+ folks look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ folks when shopping in antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/30/2007 : 12:01:00 PM
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This is a good one.
A Woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat I do not
have a headache; 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you
go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The
husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her
into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,
I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes
back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before. His wife says,
"Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I
will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and
round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move,
I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not
my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2007 : 8:34:20 PM
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Quick Reads:
Life After Death"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked on of his employees. "Yes, sir," the employee replied. "Well, then that makes everything just fine." the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to see you.
"Palm Sunday " It was Paam Sunday and because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one day I don't go, he shows up!"
Children's sermon
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed to it and asked the children, "What's in here?" A little boy exclaimed, "I know! Pantyhose!"
Support a Family - The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.
"First Time Ushers" A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy, I'm under five.
"Prayers " The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook.
"Climb the Walls " Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" "I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit." the little boy answered.
The Mood Ring - My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
The Water Pistol - When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "Yes, I remember."
Grandma's Age - Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure they're healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy mom."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2007 : 07:43:07 AM
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2007 : 07:53:45 AM
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AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,
even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at
my car and decide
it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the
porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go
through the mail before I
wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the
junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the
bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first. But then I think, since
I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as
well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there
is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go
in side the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
drinking. I'm going to look for my
checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in
the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of
flowers on the
counter catches my eye - they need water. I put the
Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching
for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on
the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be
looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but
first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water on the
flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on
the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get
some towels and wipe up
the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I
was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and
I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to
get some help for
it,but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone I
know, because I don't
remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,
your day is coming!! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2007 : 07:56:11 AM
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In a Texas Courtroom....
In a trial, in a small Texas town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 9:10:19 PM
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall,
handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......
on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
(YOU GO, GIRL!)
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2007 : 10:47:42 AM
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THE NEW BOSS
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll appreciate this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here 's four weeks' pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!" |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2007 : 2:12:57 PM
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"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that
actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces
on this card- just the stone cold truth of friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the
sorry bast**d who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got la*d.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I
don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask?, "Because
you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel
the true warmth.
Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only
think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call
me!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2007 : 2:50:07 PM
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
>
>He marched straight up to the counter and said, "
>Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
>The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
>We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
>and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
>You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
>supply all of your clothes.
>Because of the long hours meals will be provided.
>You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
>trips.
>This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
>assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
>and has a rather strong sex drive.
>A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located
>above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
>$200,000 a year."
>The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're BS'n me!"
>The social worker said, " Yeah, well . you started it." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2007 : 11:35:08 PM
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When
The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those a$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2007 : 12:49:38 PM
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Subject: 20 Things to Think About
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people
a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this...No one ever says "It's only a game," when his team is
winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a
Mercedes than in a Ford.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are
probably dead.
20. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!
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