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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2007 : 09:35:38 AM
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Gentle thoughts for today.
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
I hope these were comforting to you. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2007 : 4:48:51 PM
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Subject: A Study you may find interesting
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 09/30/2007 : 12:17:11 AM
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THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.:)
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ..? GOTCHA !!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else! Have a great day !
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2007 : 8:40:56 PM
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> The Gynecologist
>
> A middle-aged woman
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> seemed sheepish as she
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> visited her gynecologist.
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> "Come now," coaxed the doctor,
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> " you've been seeing me for years!
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> There's nothing you can't tell me."
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> "This one's kind of strange..."
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> "Let me be the judge of that,"
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> the doctor replied.
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> "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was ful l of pennies."
>
> "I see."
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> "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
>
>
> "That night," she went on, "I went again,
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> plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what 's wrong with me!," she implored,
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> "I'm scared out of my wits!"
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> The gynecologist put a comforting
>
> hand on her shoulder.
> "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> (Ready for this?)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> (I'm warning you.....)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> (Still not too late....delete now!)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "You're simply going through the change!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2007 : 10:19:27 PM
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Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 yr.old
girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she
was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 yr. old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack
his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you!
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 10/14/2007 : 8:05:11 PM
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| :) |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2007 : 3:06:16 PM
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Quotes and Comments from and about Bosses
* "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
* A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
* A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
* My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
* My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
* My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
* He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
* Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
* Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
" I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
* HR Manager to job candidate:
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
* Quote from telephone inquiry:
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer class. |
Edited by - massdee on 10/20/2007 3:06:41 PM |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/20/2007 : 7:53:52 PM
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red sox prayer
>
>
>
>
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>Our Father, who art at Fenway...
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>Baseball be thy game.
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>They Kingdom come,
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>Playoffs need be won,
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>On Earth, then to the Cask 'n' Flagon.
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>
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>Give us this day, a perfect Papi,
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>And forgive us our losses,
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>As we forgive those,
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>Like Bill Buckner.
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>And lead us not into desperation,
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>But deliver us always from the Evil Empire.
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>For thine is the Power,
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>And the Glory,
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>To beat the Indians,
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>Forever and ever....the Yankees suck..
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>
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>A-men! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2007 : 4:55:39 PM
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This is kind of long, but should make most smile, I hope.
Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with
my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for
a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked
back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's
type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing
with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start
behaving "right now" she would
be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me
go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's
pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity
and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a
question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room
While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter,
she was clean.
The I realized that Danny had not asked
to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me"
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down
his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2007 : 10:35:12 PM
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 10/30/2007 : 6:42:30 PM
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Okay are you ready to smile????????
RED SOX WORLD CHAMPS :)
DOES IT FOR ME. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 10/31/2007 : 09:19:32 AM
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| HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2007 : 08:54:21 AM
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am ; and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver start s crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2007 : 3:28:18 PM
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Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in Montana on the opening day of deer season. They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them.
As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past.
Of course by then, the deer was gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen!
You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said, "Well.... we were married for 42 years." |
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Smile
