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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 9:44:58 PM
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| just bringing thr topic back. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 08:31:29 AM
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Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! –there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury. |
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n/a
deleted
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 7:27:30 PM
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There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.
Joe Blow from Idaho |
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n/a
deleted
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 7:28:37 PM
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The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is-to hand-job police.
As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
Joe Blow from Idaho |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 8:00:16 PM
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Subject: Prize winner
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We
never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and
streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady,
holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes
and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and
naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement' |
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n/a
deleted
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2007 : 8:09:55 PM
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What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats
Joe Blow from Idaho |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2007 : 9:43:46 PM
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Subject: Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting
that he could not contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy
take off his pants. Then Aunt Jane ."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Little
Johnny started his story by saying, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then, he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants. Then, Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used
to do when Daddy was in the army."
Mommy fainted!
Moral of the story: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt! |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2007 : 6:03:08 PM
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Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are..
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
(scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are..?
(scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 .
Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
(Scroll down for answer.....)
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2007 : 6:14:57 PM
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. |
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Smile
