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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
 Posted - 04/20/2007 : 11:11:23 AM
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Story of the Monk
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2007 : 11:29:35 AM
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If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting. |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2007 : 11:32:37 AM
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LOST GRANDPA
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big b**bs." |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 10:55:10 AM
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Subject: You guys will like this one...it will drive you crazy!
THIS IS ADDICTIVE & WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY
Click on the link or copy and paste
You must be logged in to see this link.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 10:56:26 PM
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One day the wife and I were discussing anger management
and I asked her, "When I get mad at you, you never fight >back.
How do you control your anger?"
She said, "I clean the toilet bowl."
I asked, "How does that help?"
She said, "I use your toothbrush"
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2007 : 11:01:50 PM
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Subject: PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love, Thomas notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery |
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Lynda
Advanced Member
1282 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2007 : 09:00:00 AM
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing..................Captain Kangaroo |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 12:43:19 PM
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Pass The Butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting . . .
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.
When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the
research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.
How do you like it?
They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine...
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact....
HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value
* Nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.
Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends..... (If you want to "butter them up")!
Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it,
You have a moral obligation to share it with others."
People don't care how much you know...Until they know how much you care !
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2007 : 12:48:52 PM
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This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To find the answer, look down...
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Not here, dummy |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2007 : 5:44:32 PM
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SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
II CORINTHIANS 5:7
Don't forget to pass this on! I love this one.
Everyone should send this to everyone they
know, especially today with prayer restricted
in schools. Forward if you believe in GOD!!!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 6:52:24 PM
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Very Adult
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the
father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he
asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past
your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 7:01:57 PM
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The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
And we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is
Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter,
Who waves him up, and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one --
Which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking,
But you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify,
So I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest,
But I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: "Run Forrest, run."
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2007 : 9:37:05 PM
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>
>Subject: Lloyd - the Thoughtful Husband
>
>It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
>harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
>were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
>oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
>
>My name is Lloyd. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
>
> Carlarae. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carlarae
>
>to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
>
>and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
>working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
>from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
>
>Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
>
>for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
>Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
>
>on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
>eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
>hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
>But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
>after dinner.
>
>I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
>
>that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
>it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
>
>Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
>
>that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
>her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
>smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
>even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
>her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
>you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
>When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods She
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>had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
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>not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
>big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
>And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
>for me too.
>
>I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carlarae.
>I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
>
>find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
>I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
>you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
>because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
>worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
>
>Signed,
>
>Lloyd
>
>EDITOR'S NOTE:
>
>Lloyd died suddenly on October 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
>report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
>Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
>showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
>
>His wife Carlarae was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury
>
>took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
>Lloyd somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
> |
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 10:33:28 AM
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George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when
we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could
be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . .
You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes,
it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you
start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid
again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
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massdee
Moderator
5299 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 10:44:35 AM
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HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let
the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them!"
2 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with
us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve
it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a
foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away. |
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Ellen
Senior Member
173 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2007 : 12:00:28 PM
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| I enjoy reading these, thanks |
Edited by - Ellen on 05/05/2007 12:03:27 PM |
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Smile
